The Time I Caught God Gambling

In the fall of 2015, I thought God was calling me to a big adventure-something that would finally take my passions and preparations and put them to use. I recall two specific moments. One was when the Holy Spirit impressed on me to remove my shoes during worship – I was on Holy Ground this day unlike any other.  The second was while worshiping, I was praying the lyrics of a song and felt Him approve of my prayer, “Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my savior.”

As the months unfolded, change came in the form of a move to a new city (and all that entails) and an empty nest. I was ready for anything! I got busy looking for the big adventure, asking, seeking, knocking, and putting myself “out there,“ but nothing happened. Nothing at all. For whatever reason God was just shutting all kinds of doors. Then he was shutting every door. I couldn’t get a door to open to save my life.

If you called it a midlife crisis and you wouldn’t be wrong.  I had thought my identity was in Christ prior to this time, but I was quickly and painfully learning that I really did have my identity tied up in the roles that were now over or severely decreasing in importance.

I came to the shocking truth that it wasn’t enough for me just to be a child of God. It wasn’t enough just to be a wife and mom of adult children.

I felt miserable about myself. I think it’s fair to say I made everyone close to me miserable, too. That just added to the guilt and despair.

I struggled for about a year and a half with this and then one day I was offered a dream job. My spirits instantly soared! I was absolutely giddy with delight! Someone valued me!  "I’m so happy! This is GREAT! This is the prize for all the suffering! Then the little voice in my head whispered, “If you take this job, you will have failed at being content in God.”  I was a little sad at the thought but I quickly abandoned the thought and rationalized that I really needed a job and this job would be a once in a lifetime opportunity! I had to take it.

Except the offer ended up disappearing. No explanation. A very nice rejection letter, but no explanation.

Not so valued after all. But it was an opportunity to do the hard work of getting right with God. I reluctantly accepted the challenge. (God’s grace comes in the most unlikely packages.)

Through all the ups and downs, as hard as this season was, I’d still open my bible.  I’d still force myself to go to church or listen to bible studies, all the time wrestling and trying to make sense of everything. Even when I can’t make sense of any of the mess, what I do know, I KNOW.

The tomb is empty.

Sometimes all you have to cling to is what you’ve already settled as truth. And the tomb is empty.

It was months later, while on a long run, when otherwise completely unrelated events and people came together in my mind and changed my perspective. What I knew about creation, the state of our world until Jesus returns, the plot of the enemy of our soul, the promise of hardship, the promise of joy that can be ours in the midst of it, and my heart’s desperate cry to not be miserable any more all rolling around in my brain.

“Have you considered my servant, Rachel?”

I heard those words in my head and it changed everything.

Everything.

God’s betting on me. And he’s betting on me because he knows I’ll win. Because he’s won.

Then I heard this: “You’ve taken two years of rest and made it labor.”

Ouch.

Scripture from the Old Testament and New starting to weave a tapestry in my head that made everything make sense. 

Better to be in the wilderness WITH God than in the Promised Land without him- I get to BE with GOD! While this world is real and what we do here matters, this is NOT our home! He’s preparing a forever place where we get to be with him!

Joy is a choice! It comes with trust and trust comes from faith and faith placed in the One who is raised from the dead is well placed!

I know God counts my tears and holds them in his hand. They matter to him. He can keep count of them without harm.  When I count them, I focus on sadness. Instead, I get to count the times he takes me from Glory to Glory.

.Hear me:  None of the situations that had me in despair had changed. Not one. 

But my perspective has and it has made all the difference. God can take any of our years- all of our years- and with faith in him, they can all be rest in the midst of hardship. It really is a choice. I choose faith!

God IS my big adventure! He took these two years to sift out some junk so that I could have HIM in ways I had not experienced before! He has been preparing me for this for YEARS!  How amazing is that?! 

By his sweet grace, he actually DOES have some neat stuff prepared for me! I get to be the girl who gets to love Martin well so he can be all he needs to be as he serves the 101^st Airborne!  I get to be the mom who encourages and loves on her two precious daughters as they make their way in the world!  

But even if I didn’t have those things, I get to worship the God who made me simply because it was his sheer delight and pleasure to do so! He set his heart and mind on making me “just-so.” 

Almighty God just really desired to have me to love and enjoy forever.

That makes me giddiest of all. ;-) 

Is Everyone a Child of God?

One of the benefits of social media is that you can discover what and how people think about all sorts of things. It can be mentally stimulating (and sometimes psychologically exhausting) to have limitless access to the thoughts of others. Personally, I find the comments about religion & faith most thought provoking. I tend to weigh and challenge those things written by Christians most.  Primarily, because they are the ones most equipped to challenge me on things of the faith. (Although there is no shortage of non-Christians who are convinced they are best suited to interpret Scripture.)

It’s a form of spiritual “exercise.” Can I explain to myself, or to another, why something is or isn’t true?

Keeps me on my toes.

On my list of ideas to challenge is one that has crept in and out of Facebook “Top Stories” – the idea that we are all “Children of God.”  The current Pope has even stated that there is no differentiation between believers and non- believers in God’s eyes. According to him, even atheists are in heaven. (Although, why a loving, gracious Father would send His guiltless Son to die a death on the cross if he was just going to give a free pass into Eternity to those who spent a lifetime trampling the blood of Jesus is beyond me- and highly irrational.)

It’s puzzling to me that this is even debated –The evidence is overwhelming. Scripture teaches that while we are all created in the image of God by God, and that He loves us all and wishes none to perish it is clear that man is either an enemy of God or a child of God. Some will go to heaven. Some will perish.

There is no third category.

The Old Testament describes a history of God choosing a people for himself to be holy and set apart. God is described as “Father” and His chosen people, the nation of Israel, as His “Children.”  The Redeemer would come through the bloodline of set apart Israel so that the whole world would be blessed through them. There is also the beautiful example in the book of Ruth of how God sees beyond bloodlines and welcomes into the family those who have a heart for Him.  (See Lev.11:45, Lev. 25:38, Deu. 32:6, Jer. 31:9, Hos 1:10, Isa 1:2 for examples.) I could find no place where the word "children" was used in context as belonging to God apart from being in covenant relationship with Him.

Some will say, “We don’t live under the law of the Old Testament. We live under grace in the New Testament.”

Here’s what the New Testament says:

“But you, brothers and sisters, are not in the darkness for the day to overtake you like a thief would. For you are all sons of the light and sons of the day.  We are not of the night nor of the darkness. So then we must not sleep as the rest, but must stay alert and sober.” 1 Thes 5:4-6 (emphasis, mine)

“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him! For if, when we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life!” Romans 5:8-10 (emphasis, mine)

“But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you wholeheartedly obeyed the form of teaching to which you were entrusted.  You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.” Romans 6:17-18 (emphasis, mine)

 “You are a child of the devil and an enemy of everything that is right! You are full of all kinds of deceit and trickery.  Will you never stop perverting the right ways of the Lord?” Acts 13:10 (emphasis, mine)

Consider the words of Christ: “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You travel over land and sea to win a single convert, and when you have succeeded, you make them twice as much a child of hell as you are.” Matt: 23:15 (emphasis, mine)

I would like to quote something I heard recently, “God’s Grace has always preceded judgment. And it always carries covenant obligation.”

There is obligation on our part in the New Testament. We are not our own.  

In our desire to be seeker-friendly, non-confrontational, all inclusive, and accepted by the culture, we have risked the ability to correctly answer the question, “Did God really say?”

Let us tremble in reverence and holy fear at this:  The God of the Universe has a standard.  While He reasons with us with long-suffering patience, He will not compromise.

We run the risk of doing what Jesus accused the Pharisees of: “traveling over land and sea to win a single convert and making them twice as much a child of hell” as we are. While God wishes that none perish, He absolutely makes discernment between His children and His enemies. 

Remember, part of a gospel is no gospel at all. 

Can There Be Victory When You Retreat?

If you’re like me and you love Jesus you spend a lot of time wondering what the purpose is for a particular season.  We don’t want to miss Him or mess up how we’re supposed to respond. 

This has been a season of big life changes – empty nest, relocating to a new city, looking for a new church, a new job, and new friends- expecting God to use this as a clean slate in so many ways!

At a job interview about a month ago I felt very connected to the owner and manager. They informed me that there were some issues with staff that made the work environment less than desirable, but they were aware of it and working on it.  I saw this as a “God thing” in that He was wanting me to work on being able to let people who are difficult not get to me - learn how to have perseverance through a bad situation and still have inner peace.  I’ve pushed through such situations before, but I always seem to internalize it and it negatively affects me physically not to mention mentally.  I would always let it bother me.

“Here we go, Jesus! I see what you’re after!  I guess I better finally get this one right so you don’t have to keep taking me to task on it.”

I didn’t make it 3 weeks.  

The environment was toxic to me.  My stomach was in knots.  My hands would shake.  I’d blame it on caffeine withdrawal so they wouldn’t know they were getting to me – but they were.  I felt like I was walking on eggshells.  It was awful.  I prayed for those who were meanest as well as the ones who weren’t, but if my prayers could be likened to loaves and fish, I brought stale crumbs and canned sardines to the Throne. 

Early this past Monday morning I recommitted to staying the course.  I prayed up, sucked it up and dragged myself to work.  The events of the morning huddle drained whatever hope I had been able to muster just moments ago.  I left the room working so hard to focus on what I thought God was trying to teach me - perseverance.

Then it happened.

 I knocked on the boss’s door where he and the manager were meeting to ask them a completely unrelated question and the words, “This isn’t going to work out long term,” came out before I even knew what I was saying. 

I felt like a total failure.  I knew what God wanted from me and I couldn’t do it.

That night we went to a small group meeting and a question was posed to us:  God uses trouble to teach us to trust.  What problem in your life has brought about the greatest growth in your character?

Ugh.

I had no answer because I am painfully aware that I had no “growth in my character.”  I bailed out of the test, failed at trust, and victory eluded me yet again.

Wednesday evening I gave my official two weeks’ notice.  The manager graciously thanked me for all I had help her accomplish in my short time and let me off the hook – I didn’t have to go back Thursday morning.

Thursday morning rolls around and I decided to go for a run at a local park, plug some praise music in my ears and tell God how sorry I am for failing Him again.  I know He loves me.  I just wanted to be able to give Him something good.

Total. Failure.

As the words from Oceans played in my head, my heart so heavy, I thanked my sweet LORD that even though He knew I was going to fail- again- He has been so good to me to have special events for me on the calendar to be able to do what he knows I love best- sing praises to Him with my old church choir family.  Throughout this new season he gave me multiple special times and one is coming up on April 26^th.   I marveled at how He loves me so much to let me have something wonderful to look forward to in just a few more days.  How intimately he loves me and how I know he has done the exact same thing for 100’s of others who will be there with me.  What an amazing love that makes each one of us feel like he loves us most of all – AND HE DOES!

“You call me out upon the waters, the great unknown, where feet may fail…”

“And I will call upon your name (JESUS), and keep my eyes above the waves. When oceans rise, my soul will rest in your embrace for I am yours and you are mine.”

Then in my mind’s eye I saw a saying I heard not that long ago written in white letters, “Revenge is a poison we drink expecting the other person to die.”

And in that mysterious place that I can’t describe His Spirit spoke to mine.

Do you want revenge?  Are you angry at them?  Do you want me to avenge them on your behalf?

“Oh, no.  I don’t want revenge.  I don’t want to drink that poison.  I’m really o.k.  I’m just sorry I failed you.” And it was all true.  My soul felt calm and free.  Calm and free…

That’s our victory.  That’s our victory.  That’s our victory!

Tears poured from my eyes,  my breath literally taken away, and my heart jumped for joy as I was brought to the ground as the revelation rose out of me up to Him in praise -

“OH, YOU AREN’T DONE WITH ME! YOU DIDN’T GIVE UP ON ME!”

 

Oh, the sweet, overwhelming joy when we discover the truth that GOD. IS. NOT. DONE. WITH. US!

I thought we were working on one thing, and I failed.  We were working on another and we won!

And it happened so fast! It only took 3 weeks!  Well, 47 years, 1 month and 3 weeks!

Instead of drinking the poison of resentment, I am drinking up the sweet wine from grapes He’s been tending to for over 47 years!  What sweet wine it is! Better than any I have ever tasted!

“Holy Spirit you are welcome here!  Come flood this place and fill the atmosphere!  YOUR GLORY GOD IS WHAT MY HEART LONGS FOR! To be OVERCOME with Your presence, LORD… “

He IS working on you.  He is NOT done with you.  He WILL accomplish what HE has set out to do.  It will be HIS glory we are overwhelmed by. 

I am overwhelmed. My Faith did stand. I am His and He is mine.

 Thank you, thank you, thank you, LORD.